Processing

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

I spent the night at my neighbor Kelly's house after the police and coroner left my house and Shad's family returned back to Denver. I probably managed 4 hours of sleep. Stayed up talking with Kelly until around 2, woke up around 6, tried to go back to sleep but saw the body when I closed my eyes. Nope, I'm awake.

My sister Becky arrived at some point to pick me up. She had a friend drive her down from Denver to drop her off. Becky and I walked to my house after I finished breakfast (surprise, I actually managed to eat!), and already I had a phone call from HR at Harris to talk about death stuff. Four months later and I'm almost finished with all the bureaucracy of processing death. I almost feel like I can leave my phone unattended and the world won't end (or delay for weeks and result in more calls back and forth) if I miss a phone call.

Anyway, Becky helped me gather anything and everything I might need. She was taking me to my mom's house in Denver and we had no idea when or if I'd return home. Kid clothes, my clothes (the little left that Shad didn't pack when he kicked me out of the house), photo albums, cuddle toys, dolls, "What do you want to wear to the funeral?" Becky thought of everything. And she went into my closet to get anything I might want from there because I couldn't go in myself.

Becky drove my van (I rode, I was in no state to be able to drive) to Forest Katie's house first to pick up Thora, Dancy, and Tommy. Then we drove to Leah's house to pick up Katie and Samson. Katie and Dancy had both spent some time throwing up the previous days when I was running around trying to take care of things. I told the kids we were going to Grandma's house and that we'd have a family talk when we got there.

When we arrived at my mom's house, my brother Jake was there, and Shad's parents and siblings, Dan, Jimmy, Levi, Ruth, and her husband Coltyn, and Dan's son Ryan. Sorry, Tabbie, my memory is a little fuzzy at this point, so if you were there, feel free to correct me! The kids sat with various family members and I explained to them that Dad loves them very much. His brain was sick. It had been sick for a very long time and he couldn't make good decisions. And his sick brain told him to kill himself. He is dead.

No details of how or where.

Tommy immediately started crying and came to sit on my lap. Katie, Dancy, Thora, and Samson were just quiet, processing, uncomprehending, disbelieving, in shock, I'm not quite sure. After several minutes, we let them go with Jake and Grandma to have space to soak in what they had just heard while Becky talked with me and Shad's family about some preliminary death plans. All Shad had ever talked about was donating to science, and that wasn't possible. We decided to have a celebration of life with an open casket if possible (it was) and then a cremation.

After all that, I was more or less done for the day, managed some phone calls and texts as best I could. For weeks, I would have about one hour of good energy where adrenaline would kick in and I'd be lucid and functional and able to get done what needed done, then crash in bed for hours. Trauma, shock, and grief are all much more than just emotional reactions. It's very physical and mental, too. My ability to eat, think, talk to people, be around my kids, were all drastically reduced to a bare minimum as I went into a total survival mode shutdown. I still have an occasional day of that, but it's just a couple a month at this point.

I told the kids that they are allowed to do anything they want or feel they need to do. Someone wants to take you out for an activity? Yes. Someone wants to take you out shopping? Yes. You need to get out of the house and away from people so you're not feeling trapped? Yes. You wanna know why kids? Because I've been through this before. My brother committed suicide 13 years ago and I know what this feels like. I know that you can feel trapped, need to have distractions, get away from your thoughts and all the discussions that stagnate the air around you. When my brother died, it was the middle of spring break my senior year of high school. I already had a church youth trip to Utah planned for that weekend and my parents didn't want me to go. That almost broke me. They ended up letting me, and at one point on the trip, one of my leaders drove me across town to my uncle Michael's house because I needed it. It felt like such a relief to be with loving, comforting family, a safe place. Michael offered to let me stay there instead of going back home and that I could ride back to Colorado with him when he and my aunt Suzanne drove for Brent's funeral. Because I just couldn't bear the thought of going back home and Michael saw that I just needed a break from that environment. My parents said no, they wanted me to be there with the family. I do understand their side of that answer, but it tore me to pieces to hear that and have to leave Michael and return home. So that's why I told my kids that I understand and they get whatever they need. There are no rules for grieving.

That night held some difficult conversations. Thora, 4, talked to Lori on the phone: "My heart is sad. My dad killed himself. But I'm not going to do that, right?"

Samson, 3, told me that Daniel Tiger says grownups come back. I told him that Daniel Tiger is right, but that Dad is dead. He can't come back. His body is dead and he cannot come back. Sam thought about that for a minute, then told me that doctors can fix people to be alive again. I told him that yes, he's right, doctors do try, but they can't fix Dadda. He is staying dead. He can't come back. Sam thought about that, then asked, "Then who is going to cook my dinner?" I will, babe. I'll always feed you. For at least two months, any time I had to leave to go somewhere, Samson would remind me that Daniel Tiger says grownups come back. Yes, Sam, I promise I will come back.

* * *

Thursday, June 6, 2019

The date just stuck in my head and I knew there was something important and significant about it to me, but I couldn't figure it out. I had to let it go as Becky picked me up again to drive me to Fairmount Funeral Home to make arrangements. I had invited Shad's family to be present, as well as Tommy and Katie. Tommy declined, Katie accepted last minute.

So. Many. Details.

What do you want to do? How do you want it to go? To feel? Who will officiate? Who will give the eulogy? Who will write it? Do you want a viewing or a wake? Reception? Flowers? What will he be dressed in if an open casket is possible? Guest book? Pens? Music? Pictures? Obituaries? Pallbearers? Program papers? Poems or quotes?

Some of those I had opinions on. Shad's family helped out a lot, volunteering for duties. Flowers? I could care less about flowers. I looked straight over at Katie and pushed the catalog over to her. "Your job." She was giddy with excitement. She picked a few arrangements and a flag for the casket. "Because he suffered through boot camp."

At one point, Katie took my phone and snapped a few pictures.

On the way out of the funeral home, I saw an adorable old man sitting in a chair by the door, sporting a hat labeling him a WWII veteran from the 101st Airborne. I got a little giddy ("Band of Brothers" fan rearing up in me), shook his hand and told him how special I thought that was. I asked him which company he was in and he told me about both his WWII and Korean divisions, though I don't remember them. And you wanna know what? When I got back to Mom's house and got on Facebook for some mental distraction, THAT'S when I realized the significance of the date. D-Day Remembrance Day. 75th Anniversary at that. And I shook that cute little guy's hand.

Well, after all that emotional exhaustion, I rested the rest of the afternoon, played a little bit of Pretty, Pretty Princess with my kids, then decided I was well enough to drive down to Colorado Springs for my volleyball night. I needed a touch of home, a touch of "normal," and some friends who would just hug me and know that I was there because I needed to be. My volleyball group is great! I talked to my friend Jeremiah on my drive down from Denver and that was wonderful and helped keep my mind focused and active. Just what I needed. I spent the night at a friend's house, had a relaxing morning, then drove back to Denver just after lunch. 

* * *

Friday, June 7, 2019

And that's when the hail hit.

Because what you need in your life three days after your husband kills himself is to have a full-blown PTSD reaction...and to find out that you have PTSD.

Remember last August when I took my kids to the zoo and then a softball-sized hailstorm did this?

I remembered hardcore when I was driving on I-25 and traffic slowed to 35 mph due to the intensity of rain and then the hail started. Marble-size. And my thoughts and panic increased as I had image flashbacks to seeing the damage done to my van and, "What if the hail gets bigger? I'm the only parent my kids have now. Nothing is allowed to happen to me!" I couldn't pull over under the underpass, it was full of other cars. I got off the highway as soon as I could and tried to get somewhere for safety. I called a friend to have someone to talk to me, someone to distract me and help me get through it. He was at work and didn't answer. I could not think of anyone else. Yes, there were plenty of other people I could've called, that's not the point. I COULD NOT THINK. Becky called me and I was in such a state of hysteria, tears, hyperventilation, screaming, that she couldn't recognize my voice. I was still trying to get somewhere, but the gas stations were all packed too. I just had to park and listen to it while it happened. Until it stopped. I think it took about 15 minutes to calm my breathing and heart rate. Even longer for the physical shaking to stop. Becky called Mom to let her know I'd be getting back to her house later than I planned.

When I got there, it was all I could do just to get out of the van, walk across the driveway, into the house, up the stairs, and collapse in bed. But of course, the kids were all excited to have me back again, and were in my face. I listened to them, looked at everything they wanted to show me, then told them I needed a little bit of quiet. I just stayed in bed for an hour until I needed to help Mom get dinner dished up for the kids. I couldn't handle all the talking at once. I asked them to shush and calm and please, just one person talk to me at a time. My mom said she understood, but I told her she didn't. It's not just normal, it's not the grief, this is a whole different field of fucked up that I've never been before. Luckily (?) my mom had learned to deal with PTSD reactions when my sister Lori lived with her. She handled dinner without me and I went back to bed. 

I knew I wasn't going to get to sleep at all that night if I didn't have a drink. And you know what? With everything that had happened in that week, I hadn't had a single drink. Too much to do, too much I needed to think about and handle, too much adrenaline. But after that PTSD reaction, I needed a drink. I texted my elementary school friend, Katie, and made arrangements. I told my mom that I needed to have a drink, that Katie was going to pick me up, and she'd return me in the morning when I was sober.

I sampled all her Crown Royal and unloaded my life to her until 3 am.

* * *

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Katie returned me to Mom's house and I was able to get back to Momming and all my homework for putting together the celebration of life.

Samson asking grandma for pictures.

Cuddle parties.

Sleeping buddies.

* * *

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Ellipticals can serve as restaurant equipment.

Funeral director humor. Becky gave me this flash drive to load the music onto. It was a much needed laugh!

I had to teach my kids how to use the tongue tattoos on Fruit Roll-Ups.

Basking in the moonlight, soaking in that good energy.

* * *

Monday, June 10, 2019

Took Katie to Walmart to get a few things. Lindsey came with us.

Sometimes you're going along and feeling just fine and then you see pop sockets and get all excited because you were needing to shop for those. Then you remember that that shopping need was for your husband's Father's Day gift and that need has passed. Anger flares up, you drop that pop socket, say, "Fuck you, bastard!" and run away.

* * *

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Becky and Zaki came over for a water fight.

I took another night off to spend the night at a friend's house to clear my head and have a little rejuvenation before all the celebration of life stuff started.

* * *

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

I went to Rocky Mountain National Arsenal for nature and sunshine therapy.

Lori arrived.

She and I got Korean ice cream. Shoulda just bought one to share! We had no idea they'd be so huge!