2019 Reflections

Well, I'm a solid 5-6 months behind on blogging, and that's okay with me. I will use this post as a quick recap of important events this year, then do some major photo dumping later (because I also use this blog as personal family photo collections) and then do my best to keep things updated here as we embark on some serious nomading.

Anyway...

January.

Florida was new. Learned to NOT do that during the Christmas break again when it's packed with retired snowbirds and tourists. Still pretty cool, but January when everyone is back in school is a better idea. Win for homeschooling!

(Honest eval: Serious marital issues going on. I did NOT want to take that trip. Saw some cool things, had some frustrations with so many things going wrong due to weather or holidays or government shutdown, but overall, just not an emotionally happy trip. And that leaves for bad aftertaste and soured memories.)

I got LASIK! Serious game changer for this momma. I am no longer handicapped by my vision! I can nap, cuddle, wrestle, pillow fight, play volleyball, run, hike, swim, bike, climb, all with full, clear vision, no dry contacts, no glasses getting beat up. I don't have to remember to grab my glasses from my nightstand in the middle of the night when a kid needs me. It's been a while since I've taken a stray volleyball to my head or face, but still, when it happens, my group and I cheer, "Yay, no glasses!" And I don't even know the last time I was able to see a damn thing while swimming.

Samson potty trained!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February.

Mental and emotional breakdowns. We sent the kids to family in Denver for a week. While it was still not exactly a happy week for Shad and I, I don't know the last time I woke up in my own bed and didn't need to take care of someone. It was awesome.

March.

Swim lessons! You know how you get this idea that yes, you could teach your kids how to swim and not spend money on it, but it'd be easier to pay someone else to do it, but then you end up spending an exorbitant amount of time emotionally coaching your kids to get over their water fears to even be able to take their lessons on learn? Yeah, me too. Still worth it. Will resume again in April. During our break from nomading.

That one time I was a true native Coloradan and went to Target during the Bomb Cyclone and it totally ravaged me. And Target didn't even have what I needed and I ended up shopping on Amazon right there in the store.

That was 15 seconds of accumulation. I had just brushed it off and run to get in my seat!

One-inch thick ice on my doorstep.

April.

Spontaneous day trip to a local national monument to appease this addict...

followed by a spontaneous purchase of a bus with plans to be full-time nomads!

(Spoiler alert: shit happened, I'm selling the bus.)

I climbed the Manitou Incline so many times and my kids have developed a taste for it as well! Tommy and Katie have been with me, Dancy and Thora are asking to do so. Those will be slow hikes with lots of rest breaks, snacks, and candy bribery.

Reconnected with so many friends! Justine was my first when she moved back to Denver from Portland.

Capulin Volcano National Monument, New Mexico

May.

I put myself through swim training and worked up to being able to swim half a mile during the kids' 30 minute swim lessons. What do we say to the God of Death? "Not today."

Taught my first yoga class! It was spontaneous and accidental when my teacher's sub didn't show up, but years of doing the same post-natal yoga DVD have it ingrained in my brain.

We finally went to the Paint Mines, an attraction who's sign I saw and wanted to explore a year and a half prior when we were driving into town to move here. Sometimes we forget things.

Got my nose pierced after years of wanting to!

Oh, our forest!

The Leonardo DaVinci temporary exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science blew our minds with wonder! At times, I was overwhelmed to tears. Remarkable!

Also, if anyone happens to know this man, Brian, I'd love to find him and be friends with him. He truly made our experience personal and magical.

Had a family reunion with my siblings and it didn't end in us all hating each other! At least from my side.

(Behind the scenes note: divorce plans were in progress at this point.)

Hiking in Roxborough State Park during the reunion. 

June.

Shit hit the fan. Hard. Read my post titled "Confessions" if you need caught up to speed.

Shad killed himself and we were left with the emotional aftermath.

(Not a military funeral; Katie wanted a flag to decorate the casket. Any civilian can do that.)

Jamee my love came from Utah for me. We were roommates in China 11 years ago for like, 3 or 4 weeks, see each other when it counts, hardly talk in between. We're getting better at that talking thing, but we love what we have anyway.

We visited Hogwarts camp in Denver!

Watched some solid Quidditch.

Got a private tour and swag from my friend Professor Sprout.

FINALLY was in Denver at the same time as my dear friend Joel from high school. I've been missing all his trips to Denver from Boston for like...10 years. Dunno. Haven't seen him since I graduated in 2006 and it was wonderful to reconnect. I love Joel!

Got my first tattoo. My reaction was, I shit you not, "I think it's fine..." as I proceeded to scrutinize for flaws because I didn't know what else I was supposed to do when she asked me if it was okay.

July.

We went camping! 4th of July holiday and unwinding our minds and reconnecting our souls to nature.

Great Sand Dunes National Park

Inflatable kayaking

I found a place to inter Shad's ashes in Fairmount Cemetery in Denver. (Ash interment took place end of August.)

 Roadtripped to Idaho for a sanity break. It ended up being both a sanity break and break in sanity for me. Good cleansing, good purging, good healing.

Craters of the Moon National Monument! We were there the day before the 50th Anniversary of the Lunar Landing.

So windy!

Saw my cousin Marie. Repaired a relationship that was damaged due to our parents. Ah, parents!

I stayed with my sister Jen in Boise for most of the trip. This is the first time in the past 10 years that either one of us have wanted to spend time with each other and visit with each other. Why? Because I'm not Mormon anymore and so we no longer have that barrier. We spent most of our time sitting on her porch talking over coffee. Ahhh, chill!

Another national park site to check off our list! Mmm...f'real...we have national parks passports that we keep in the glove compartment of my van and we stamp them everywhere we go.

Oh, and anotha one!

August.

If we could've just lived in the forest, basking in the healing energy of nature, that would've been amazing! However, we still got nourished and rejuvenated with our forest therapy twice a week.

Thora and I flew to Florida! Her first time flying, my first time in 5 years. To be clear: when helping a sister pack and move from Orlando to Salt Lake City, this trip counts as a BUSINESS TRIP, not a vacation. Just to be clear.

I didn't much care for Orlando when we stopped by in January nor in August helping Lori. But I did fall in love with St. Augustine!

This bridge somewhere in the Panhandle of Florida, en route to New Orleans.

NOLA!! My third time in New Orleans, Thora's second, Lori's first.

This time around, my favorite thing was paying attention to the people.

I got in a car accident. PSA: grief is not just emotional, it is physical. It can just take over your brain even if you aren't crying and feeling sad, the bodily chemicals are flowing and can take over your body and mind at any given time. Van was totaled, I got another Honda Odyssey.

September.

I GOT A PUPPY!!!!!

I worked a couple temp days for the corporate office running the Denver Coliseum Gem Show and it was amazing. Turned into more than a two-day gig.

(It was fun and exhausting. This picture captured the exhaustion emotion.)

I reconnected with a random connection I made 11 years ago briefly in passing, took him up on his offer to come visit him in California to have a break from everything in life. It was amazing and counted as a vacation. Chris has been the most supportive person in my life since July.

The day after returning from California, I returned to the Gem Show to help Ralph and Ruth load their freight to haul back to Tucson. Such a fantastic learning experience in work and in getting to know and love Ralph and Ruth.

It was a dirty and exhausting day.

 Our gem show haul. We are addicts and I'm okay with that.

Second tattoo!

Hurt like hell all day long. I spent the day in bed with Tourette's.

"What are you gonna do for your birthday?" "I don't know. I don't really give a shit. Oh, hey! I'll go to RMNP!"

(That's my brother.)

(That's my brother)

(That's my brother)

I became best friends with my neighbor Taletha...started socializing with her for the first time after 1.5 years of living next door to each other. 

Smashed my foot during her garage sale.

And my dog Kingsley became best friends with her dog Jack. 

I had an amazing support group that helped me process some tough things.

October.

Took all the kids to Miramont Castle for High Tea in the Queen's Room for Thora's birthday. Sooooo fancy! 

Tommy stepped on a toothpick on the floor that impaled an inch into his heel. It was traumatic for all of us.

I fell into and embraced a book addiction. Aside from what's pictured here, I have purchased many more. Still working on these, working on others, and many more not pictured have been read. People have asked--I may do an assessment later. I have loved all but one thus far.

I bought a house!!!

I bought a baby grand! It was a bit overwhelming.

Got super triggered during my yoga class and took that rage and hysterical emotions out on the Incline, slashing my record by 16 minutes, down to 1:28 round trip, WITH an injured foot (see that bruising up above). It was epic.

Became super skilled and wowed myself with my hygge practice. And now I'm developing my candlemaking skills.

Went to the Emma Crawford Coffin Races ON PURPOSE this year! As opposed to accidentally stumbling upon it last year while trying to climb the Incline.

Halloween: witch, policeman, Elena of Avalor, grim reaper, princess, Carmen Sandiego. Kids didn't get my costume, but I made so many adults happy...comments that they found me, picture requests, theme song humming and singing.

Day of the Dead celebration!

Our offrenda had an addition this year and this holiday was helpful to the kids in their processing.

November.

Road trip to Cincinnati!

Stopped in Norton, Kansas on the way. Visited Jennifer and Miss Rosalie. Feel closure and less negativity to that chapter of life.

Miss Rosalie

Tani Bree was my neighbor for a semester at BYU-Idaho and we knew each other very loosely. We stayed at her house in Des Moines on our way to Cincinnati and it was lovely to get to know her more closely and bond over shared life experiences. It's ALWAYS good to know you're not alone.

Cincinnati Museum Center, always a fave.

William Howard Taft house was fun and educational. The kids learned that he existed, I learned that he was more than "the fat president who got stuck in the bathtub." Seriously, cool guy, great president, not his fault he got sandwiched between Teddy Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson and, thus, forgotten.

Grater's with Delsi. Sorry, Rex!

Got to see the cool prototype project my awesome cousin Rex is working on! Really excited for this venture of his and it's really cool that he's starting out in this back-alley kinda run-down old brick building. When this project gets where you want it to be, you're gonna love that this is where you started.

Spontaneous detour to Louisville to visit my favorite cousin on the way home from Cincinnati? Sure! 

Spontaneous sleepover and it happens to be his birthday? HELL YES!

Tommy and Katie said goodbye to their group therapy leader. His internship was over and he is progressing with his education and career. They started up with a new leader in December, but Tommy had a hard time saying goodbye to Dale.

Third tattoo!

Painting finished and we moved into our new house! Started sleeping there (here) Thanksgiving Eve.

We went to our first ballet: The Nutcracker!

December.

I loved karaoke in China, but never did it here in the US until now. It's fun to begin with, but even more so when the bar you go to is like Cheers and everyone knows your name. I'm not quite at that status yet, but getting there! This is Jerry. We are duet buddies.

I had a housewarming party (mostly because my kids asked for it and what else was I gonna say but, "Hell yes!") and it brought some beloved people to us. Thomas is another one of those golden people in my life who I love dearly and haven't seen since high school.

We drove to the top of Pike's Peak in December! Why?

Because Chris came to visit!

And we had loads of fun.

I tested out my first self-regulated, self-motivated indoor mini triathlon that I've been working up to all year. And it was great. And now I'm working on increasing those distances.

JAMEE GOT MARRIED! I took a momcation and flew to Utah for her reception. I love her!

I *do not* love weddings or receptions, though! My friend Will did me a solid and came to join me. I brought Pirate Fluxx in my dress pocket.

I also met these cool kids at the reception. We are like super best friends now and send each other videos via Messenger all the time now.

Speaking of new travel friends: Ed and I shared the same flight on the way to and from SLC! We talked the whole way on both flights (minus a short nap I took on the way there) and now we call and text each other regularly. He just drove to visit me from Nebraska on Friday to bring me a health machine we talked about.

The past few days have been a complete mental and emotional rollercoaster for me, trying to figure out new things (buying an RV and Airbnbing my house) while planning for my next adventure. RV is out, Airbnb is a maybe, and national parks are in, in, in!

I finished moving. Last night. Just grabbed all the last stuff and put it in my garage. So glad to be done with that house, closed out, disconnected, ready to start a new year.

* * *

I probably left a lot of things out. That happens. This year has been a difficult year. Mental and emotional breakdowns. Wanting to run away. Divorce. Suicide. Grief. Friends and family showing up to support, new ones coming in, some leaving. Lots of personal growth. And change. Uncomfortable, yet empowering. Rage, uncontrollable sobbing, peace. Psychotherapy for trauma healing. Learning more about myself and expanding my self-care skills. Loads of new things and saying yes to opportunities.

Every time I hear Regina Spektor's song "On the Radio," I feel those lyrics. It could very well be the ultimate summary of my year.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again